the world's greatest exaggerations

Stressed About Work? It Might Be Time to Quit Your Job, Donald

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Are you constantly frustrated about work?

Are you increasingly isolating yourself, yelling at your television and binging on Kentucky Fried Chicken?

Do you feel as though you don’t fit in at the White House unless your Russian friends are there?

Have you been inexplicably subjecting others to emotional abuse either verbally and/or on Twitter?

Have you surrounded yourself with sycophants who support your idiotic ramblings, enable your bad behavior and lie to the American people for you?

If so, it might be time to quit your job.

“For some Presidents, when it’s time to leave a job can be quite clear — like when their term is up — but for others, it might not be so obvious,” says Jasmine Bechler, a career coach and author of You Should Leave Your Job Now, Donald.

Bob Johnson agrees. As the talent coordinator for Internet webshow “Resignation Accepted Anytime Donald,” Johnson says some presidents know when it’s time for a change, “because they become irritable and paranoid, longing for the life they had before, and ultimately end up sabotaging the entire country.”

Sometimes, people don’t realize they’re unhappy with their job until they admit it in an interview with Reuters, or they realize they aren’t getting to do many of the things they’re really passionate about, like playing golf.

“People who are unhappy at work constantly complain that the media is unfair to them, that people don’t realize hastily firing FBI Director James Comey was doing them a favor, and that no one will let this whole Russia investigation go,” Johnson says.

Cassie Saunders, founder of Please Quit Your Job Mr. President, Inc., says, “When some people see the signs that it’s time to leave their job, they might try to improve the situation by strong-arming the majority leader, getting rid of the First Amendment or go into denial by holding a rally in Pennsylvania. But others are completely unaware of the signals that it’s time to get out.”

If you’re thinking about resigning but aren’t sure, here are 5 signs your job isn’t a good fit for you anymore, Donald.

1. You lack passion. Instead of waking up with a feeling of excitement toward your job, you wake up in the middle of the night and start intimidating witnesses in an ongoing FBI investigation into your ties with Russia.

2. You really dislike the people you work with. You try to work out the problems you’re having with Chuck Schumer, Richard Blumenthal, the FBI, the Justice Department, Congress, Democrats, Republicans, the American people, Mexico, Canada, North Korea, and China, but sometimes these problems have no solution.

3. Your productivity is suffering. If you used to get 5 rounds of golf done in a day and now you only get in one, you have to ask yourself: am I making the most of my time?

4. You have poor work-life balance. When you find that you’re spending less time with your family because of work, or you’re actually spending more time with your family because you’ve given them all positions in your administration, that could be a sign of poor work-life balance. This is never a sustainable situation.

5. Your ideas are not being heard. Has it gotten so bad you’ve had to hire a private lawyer to defend your shady business dealings? When is the last time anyone took your ideas about 3-5 million people illegally voting in the election seriously? Or Obama wiretapping your phone? Or your pitch to get rid of the legislative filibuster? The truth is you’re probably being taken for granted and your skills might be useful elsewhere, like on a moderately successful reality TV show.

Once you realize it might be time to leave your job, just leave. Quit. Life is short. Do some traveling. Do it for yourself. Do it for America. Do it for all of us, Donald. Please.

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Sarah Cooper
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